Understanding Self-Worth (WIP)!

Understanding my self-worth did not come easy to me. Every time I thought I understood the concept, I was tested by circumstances and I failed. But the beauty is, life doesn't stop testing you until you pass it successfully. 

Basis my experience so far, I have come to believe that self-worth stems from self-love. So, I have watched a zillion self-love videos, movies on empowerment, read motivational quotes, heard songs and speeches. Yet every time I had to prove my love for myself, I just didn't make it through. You could say that it is a price, that people who were brought up to be kind, pay. 

It roots from the very time when I wasn't allowed to switch on the lights when the elder men in my family were sleeping in a room that had the full-length mirror, even if I needed to get ready for school. It roots from the time when the ladies in my family always kept the bigger pieces of the fish or meat or larger share of a delicacy, for the men and children (they did it voluntarily, that's a way of women's portrayal of love. Although I am used to doing the same thing, I kind of also believe in earning enough in order that we can have a plate of Biriyani each to our respective selves. Ain't no way that aloo can be shared, mostly 😅).

Now, I would still say that I am lucky, as my family mostly treated me equal to a boy child and never really indulged in discrimination. But as a child, you imbibe and learn what you see. So by default, I was taught to put others before myself. I was taught to adjust, compromise and sacrifice or maybe I imbibed these myself, unconsciously, as a kid. And there's nothing wrong in doing that. Many situations require adjustments for the greater good. But the problem began when the 'others' starting from family members went on to extend till neighbours, society and just more and more random people. Life became about living for other people, rather than my own self. To add to my people-centered life, I was never taught to say no. Thank God for my cruel corporate life, or else I would still not have learnt it.

All of these childhood issues, coupled with the tough rejections I faced early in life - from people I love(ed) or at things I was good at - brought out my hidden insecurities and fears and flaws. On certain days, the flaws overpowered the goodness in me, to an extent that I hated myself. Anything wrong happened and I would take the guilt upon myself. Because you see I prioritized others over me, so in my head, they couldn't have been wrong. Be it a parent or friend or boyfriend or colleague, if anybody told me a few harsh words, I would take it to my heart and believe it to be my only reality. I was dependent on other people and their actions for my happiness. And with such low self-esteem I often ended up making choices that were beneath my worth, beneath what I truly deserved.

Thankfully, today I wake up to a different feeling, a different reality. Sure learnt/in the process of learning it the hard and long way but as long as I have learnt something, it is good enough for me. No man or woman can ever make you feel beautiful by telling you how beautiful you are. The day you feel it yourself, is the day you have learnt how to self-love. Accepting and being at peace with yourself, with your acne, greying frizzy hair, tummy fat and short height and at the same time solving those problems if you need to and taking care of yourself is self-love. Cherishing your talents and gifts and the journey you have made so far is self-love. Furthering towards your life purpose despite all odds is self-love. Not trying to fit in a workplace or college or social group with the way you look or dress or speak, but being comfortable in your own skin is self-love. Whoever the heck he/she is and no matter how much they mean to you and you want to hold on to them - colleague, lover, guardian - valuing the bond with them but being able to say no when they cross your boundaries is self-love. And when you are in self-love, you will not attract anything less than an equal match 'cause you know your worth. 

But the journey doesn't end there. The world is not always as pretty as we think it to be. In the corporate world, for instance, I have seen a lot of people who just love to boss you over and intimidate you. Most people taking up their first jobs succumb to that over multiple career concerns. With time it can get toxic, both mentally and physically. Thankfully, early on, I had a few mentors who cautioned me about the same. Now when you know your worth, you refuse to take shit. You shine out of your power. And man, should you see the threatened look on their face. Some would still make some efforts at pulling you down but in futility.

So, all in all, be it a partner or a job or any dream, with self-worth you will always choose what you deserve and not settle for anything less than it!